How (Not) To Write a Novel

Here are five steps on a sure way on how not to get a novel written. (Heck most advice is on how To do it, why not shake it up a bit).

1) Tell everyone you are going to write a novel as soon as you figure out what it's going to be about. Don't spend any time trying to figure out the plot or characters or settings. You know they'll come to you eventually.

2) Buy computer software designed to make writing a novel easier. Install it on the computer and don't use it. As a corollary to this step you can also buy fancy notebooks and pens. They will look very impressive when you take them out at the coffee shop to write your novel...as soon as you figure out what it is going to be about.

3) Put aside time to write and sit down at your computer and play Candy Crush instead. You know if you just get past that next level you'll be able to think clearly about what your novel should be about.

4) Don't read any books in the genre you are thinking about writing, you wouldn't want to accidentally steal anyone's ideas.

5) Redecorate office area. Once your writing setting is perfect you know you'll have the next best seller.

Or, you know, if you actually want to write a book, pretty much don't follow the advice above, but sit down and write. Write for five minutes a day. Ten minutes. Write when you are stuck, even if it seems clunky and silly, it can always be taken out later when you revise. Write until you find the ending of your story. And then revise. And revise again. Good luck.